• Lois: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
  • Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?


  • Lois (as Leia): I love you.
  • Peter (as Han): Fuck off.

  • Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
  • Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
  • Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

  • Lois: [phone rings] Hello?
  • Peter: I cant take the trash out today im working late at the office.
  • Peter: The called ID says your calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.
  • Peter: Can you see me now?
  • Lois: No.
  • Peter: Now I am at the office.

  • Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
  • Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
  • Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
  • Peter: You dirty hustler.
  • Lois: Hehehehe...
  • Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
  • Lois: Aha, ok I get it...
  • Peter: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
  • Lois: Alright, that's enough!

  • Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
  • Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
  • Brian: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.
  • Peter: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
  • Brian: That's Street Fighter.
  • Peter: Red, blue, green...
  • Brian: Those are colors.

  •  (Lois walks in on Stewie torturing a kid)
  • Stewie: We're playing house...
  • Lois: But that kid is all tied up!
  • Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

  • Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
  • Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
  • Peter: What?
  • Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
  • Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
  • Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
  • Peter/Lois: Argh!
  • Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
  • Peter: Argh!
  • Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
  • Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
  • Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
  • Lois: Oh my goodness!
  • Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
  • Peter/Lois: Oh!
  • Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
  • Lois: What?!
  • Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-
  • Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
  • Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

  • Lois: Peter,why are we stopped?
  • Peter: [to speaker] Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
  • Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
  • Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh, I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cos, uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.

  •  (Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
  • Lois: Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that.
  • Stewie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.